Lately I've been thinking, if I keep getting older, so does everyone else. Duh! But what I mean is, it's only a matter of time before someone I love passes away.
I've been very lucky. I have both sets of Grandparents and I had my great Grandmother until she was 100. 100! Can you imagine what shes seen? The first car, tv, microwave. Even computers and the first indoor toilets! She lived through two World Wars, and VietNam, not to mention the current war. She was 4 when the Titanic sank. I can't even imagine. It's just so neat.
Anyway, spending time with my parents and grandparents this week, I realized that theyre not getting any younger. Both my Grandparents, (on my Moms side) can't hear very well anymore - (I know this because I coudln't even sit in the same room as them when they watched tv cause it was turned up SO LOUD!) and it takes them a little more time to get up and down the stairs. I mean, they ARE 80 something. But they are well enough to still live on their own and drive the 800 + miles it is to my house from NY. They are very independent - I only hope to be that independent when I'm their age!
Anyway, as I get older, so does everyone else. I don't like that. I like having both sets of Grandparents. Im lucky that the boys are able to have their Great Grandparents in their lives.
I have NEVER lost anyone close to me. Ever. Ive never had to deal with that kind of pain. But I know, someday, I will. And I don't know how I'll handle it. Will it be easier because they've lived a full life? Doubtfull. And what happens if it's someone other then my Grandparents? With if it's my Mom? or Dad? Or my biggest fear, Aaron. What if?
With this upcoming deployment, death seems to be the only thing on my mind. I feel like I have had it so good, for so long, that it's my turn to hurt and I'm afraid that it's going to be the worst kind of pain. Like losing my Husband. I do not think I could handle that. I just couldn't. The thought of the boys losing their Daddy, their most favorite person in the entire Wolrd, just sickens me.
Ever hear of that saying, "only the goood die young?" - (of course you have,thanks Billy Joel-) Well, thats what I think of Aaron. He is good. He just has the best heart. He's just the perfect Husband and Father. Hes been such a blessing in my life, that I feel like it's just too good to stay this way.
We just bought a house, we have two perfectly healthy boys, we're living the good life. Something deep down inside is worried that I dont deserve it. There are many things in life that I have done that I'm not proud of and I keep wondering why God keeps giving me this perfect life. I feel like, at some point, he's just going to take it all away, and I'll deserve it. I will. Because I am not a good person. Ive never claimed to be. I just got lucky, I kind of fell into this life with a perfect husband who loves me more than I could ever ask for, and kids who are healthy, and all of my living Grandparents.
I'm not saying that God is out for revenge for all the evil I've done. But, I'm not going to say I wouldn't deserve it if he was. I just feel that time is running out. Somethings gotta give and I'm just waiting for it.
Phew - that's depressing. I've been meaning to write about it for a while now and I'm still pretty sure it didnt come out right.
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Jackie- I know exactly how you feel. I have had family members die but none that I am close to. My moms parents- I am VERY close to them. Sometimes I find myself laying in bed, wondering what it will feel like when they die. Why I would think of such a thing is beyond me but I'm not sure how I will survive it. I hate knowing that death is the one thing in life that you cannot weasel your way out of. It scares the hell out of me. I hate knowing that one day, my mom is going to die. One day I am going to be the head of our family like my grandparents are and I will have no one else above me to look up to and lean on. And I too wonder how I have such a great life. It does seem too good to be true but we just have to enjoy every second of it and not take it for granted.
ReplyDeleteI totally know how you feel, at least about Aaron. I've never been very close to my grandparents, so when my dad called to tell me his mother passed away two weeks ago, I didn't feel too much. Which then of course makes me feel bad that I didn't feel anything. But she lived a HARD life. Years ago she stopped wanting to celebrate her birthday, because she was ready to leave. So for me, it was peaceful to know she went and didn't have to deal with her being an orphan, sexually abused as a child, physically abused by all of her husbands, etc.
ReplyDeleteSo I hope when it DOES happen, that you see it as a release from the body's woes. I believe a soul continues on, just without the pains a body can make!
Sorry I'm late on this..but I do the same thing too. I'm very close to my Grandparents (my Mom's parents) and I can't imagine them not being here. As years go by I see them age just a little more and it scares me.
ReplyDeleteI see my parents aging and I think that scares me even more. I'm not ready to live without them. I feel the same way about Ross. I don't fear for his safety as much as I used to because we no longer have the Marine Corps but being away from him I think "if he were to die, this is what life would be like but so much worse."
I think it's normal to feel this way especially with the deployment creeping up on you guys. So many great things have been happening for you lately you start to think "oh great, I have this wonderful life but life is never perfect so what's going to happen." I made myself sick when Ross was gone because I was so worried something would happen to him. As hard as it is, you just gotta push in the back of your mind. Keep your chin up, enjoy your family (which I know you do, one million percent) and take comfort in the fact that you DO deserve all of this.