My how we grow..

I was cleaning out one of my boxes that I have randomly around the house,(even though we moved in in July, I still have two or three that I dont know where to put) and I came across a hand made card. It was cute. It had a few real leaves laminated on the front  and I reconized it right away as a card from my Great Grandma.

I opened it and started to read. It said something about her being sorry that I had broken my finger. So that means that the card was written in 02. I fell snowboarding, breaking my ring finger on my left hand and ended up getting two permenant screws put in to fix it. (NOT FUN) Anyway, so it was 2002.

I dont know, it just touched me in a way that I know it didn't when she first gave it to me in 02. At the end, it said, " We all grow old. Sometimes, too old. Much love, Gram" and it just hit me that this was her way of saying she knew that she was getting old and that she would be leaving us soon. I never realized that back then, I was so wound up in myself, my life.. I didn't really care about anyone else. I never even cried at her funeral. I regret never really ever getting to know her like I should have. .

I am such a selfish person. Which brings me to my next "confession" I guess.

I was a bully in school. Yep. Me.  I was mean to almost everyone. I had a very limited amount of friends.
When I was growing up, I had a cousin. She was like my 3rd cousin or something, but either way, she was blood related. I was friends with her when it was convenient to me. Whenever anyone else came around, I was as mean as dirt. I would call her fat and make fun of her along side everyone else. Back then, I knew it hurt her.. but I didn't care. I wanted to be liked and to fit in..

I've been watching the headlines. It seems that everyday a child is committing suicide because of bullying. I just cannot fathom it! Life gets better.. it does! People grow up and they mature and they regret the things they did or said to you when you were in school. I wish I could just scream that into the faces of these poor kids that think," this is it.. there is no way out." I understand that it's a different kind of bullying now. It's mainly all online or through texts so it kind of follows you home. I know when I was picked on, home is the one place that would make it all go away. Home is where you were loved and not judged by your peers. These kids can't even feel safe at home because at the dinner table theyre getting texts  saying that they're gay or that they're worthless.. they're getting on Facebook and being harassed.. its NON-STOP and it's sickening.

Being a bully once before and also being picked on, I can see both sides. But being a Mother of two beautiful boys, it makes me not even want to send them to school. How can I keep my babies safe? How can I show them, or tell them that it gets better?

I think it starts in the home. Raising your kids with confidence. Encouraging them, paying attention to them, not letting the tv or internet raise them. Take them ouside to play, BE A PART OF THEIR LIVES. Be there for them. They need you to interact with them.. pay attention. When they say, "Mommy, look.." Look.. don't just nod and pretend that you've acknowledged them..really do it.  This just isn't advice to all of you, but it's advice to myself as well. I spend way too much time on the computer. I don't pay "real" attention to them. I dont get down on the floor and play. I don't. But I'm going to. I've made that vow to myself to start being a better Mother. To start really listening to them, to take them outside to play, to get dirty with them.. to show them that I love them.. not just say it..

Oh and about that girl that I bullied, I applogized to her. I wrote her an email the other night in tears trying to explain my actions. I told her that I was very insecure.. I told her I was wrong and that I was sorry from the bottom of my heart. I know it meant something to her, but it meant more to me. I ruined this girls childhood and I can't imagine somone doing that to my kids. I know an email isn't as good as the face to face applogy that I would have perfered, but i am 800 miles away and chances of seeing her when I'm home visiting would be pretty slim..

We can't let this kind of bullying continue.. something has to be done.